There has been lots of news this week about a mom returning her adopted son back to Russia. She lived in Tenn. and was a single mom who put him on a plane with a letter in his backpack stating she felt lied to and not given correct information about her child when she adopted him. According to some news reports he was violent and was going to set the home on fire...... As you can imagine this has caused a very bad situation for adoptions from Russia.... I would like to share some of my views or thoughts about things like this.....
First I do not condone returning a child to Russia or any country they came from especially in this manner. I have not walked in the shoes of a mom or family who adopted a child like this and so I do not feel like I can judge them.... I can only go from my own experiences... this is what I have experienced....
Most of our children's medicals have been inaccurate. Some grossly so... for instance Mya's medical stated she only had failure to thrive and her left hip was dysplased. There was even an xray included from Russia.... this was not the case at all and we have had several orthopedic doctors look at her and her hip is perfectly normal and always was... she was diagnosed with polio and her condition was way more severe than we thought or was shared with us... that being said we would not have even cared if she did not have a leg or legs ( we were in process to adopt an adorable 2yr old boy from Uzbekistan before they changed their law and did not allow large families to adopt.He did not have any legs and only 1 part of an arm). Isaac was another surprise medically with his non verbal and failure to thrive. In Ukraine our son, Jonas's medical did not list all of his family history either and his smoking history. Our girls with positive, latent tb also had neg. tb tests done in Ukraine just before we came and Caleb's was a very high positive tb reaction. When we retested all of them and even did the blood test -quantiferon gold Caleb was neg. and the girls were positive. These are just a few of our children's innaccurate medicals. Now all of these have been surprise medical conditions that were not given to us accurately which is way diff. than behavior issues like this single mom or others were surprised with...
Now our most recent adoptions from Bulgaria have been somewhat of a surprise as well. I have shared that when we visited Andrew in July his behavior was diff. than what we have experienced when we picked him up. When we picked him up in Dec. the director handed us 2 medicines she said he was on... one was given to him for his "seizures" and the other was given to him to help calm down. The "seizure" medicine she said we had to wean him off of after we talked with our doctors in the US the other medicine she said make sure you give him on the plane.... I really can not express my dislike for this director. We feel like she lied to us... we had our medicals checked and there was no where stated that he had seizures... our pediatrician and our peds. neurologist consulted together after we got home and they agree that he did not have seizures but that medicine was used to sedate him... that is what it is used for in the US. Of course we were furious and felt mislead by the director... but mostly we have felt very saddened for our son, Andrew. We did witness very negative conditons at his orphanage and we are seasoned international adopters. We have parented some children with significant delays and emotional scars and many with major medical issues... none have been so abused, and neglected as Andrew. It has been very difficult some days but we love this child and feel like the Lord called us to adopt him... I would not lie and say it has not been easy... because it has been very hard to watch him go thru withdrawl symptoms, control issues and frustration at peak levels with his body and all the changes it has experienced....
With all of our children we have experienced this call... we have a strong, Christian faith and walk very intimately with the Lord. Without this relationship we could not do this... and the love we have for our children is from the Lord- a pure and deep commitment to them that only comes from the Lord. We have been asked once by a preacher's kid, "Isn't this adoption thing a bit out of hand?" We do not go to this church now but when we did it was when we only had 12 children. I wonder what his thoughts would be now :) with double that many.
Even with Andrew giving him up is not an option to us. We have not had a child we have ever thought of disrupting the adoption... we just do not think that way but I also want to say we have never had a child with RAD or violent tendacies ... if we had then maybe we would change our thoughts. I am not judging others who have just this is our experience.
Now we have once considered to adopt from a disruption . Matter of fact it has been in the last month or so we were asked. We have been asked 2 other times but did not feel the call to even pursue it further. With this last child we did... and would have loved them fully but have not heard anymore .
I share this because there is something about this Russian boy case that.... well has me wondering....I emailed some of my friends who had adopted from a disruption and I also called our state and the state office where this child was located to find out more details about how to do it... our state was positive but the state this child was in I found to be very negative. The social worker I talked with was not going to help this family at all.... even though she agreed that the child did not belong in this family now.... it was also a case where they were "surprised" or not made aware of some of the child's medical or needs. This social worker was very adamant about disruptions being negative and she shared they had a previous adoption from a disruption that was in a diff. state and the second family did not want this child either and came back to her state to make them pay or be responsible for her as a child or ward of the state....now here to me is one of the biggest problems for families who have issues with their adopted child.... there just is not much support or help for them out there. Depending on the state they live in there is none. Most families who adopt also have depleted all their money for the adoption and have none to pay for help. Agencies do not always help after the adoption and no one has the resources or mostly to me the HEART to care... money is the bottom line and the poor families or children are left on their own...
Now all that said... my heart certainly goes out to the child... but I have a feeling the single mom and her grandmother were correct... he was violent and they were not able to help and felt desperate. I do think they were rash and to quick but again I do not walk in their shoes and do not know what life was like for them.....
I also am appalled at the adoption community for the most part for judging her so hard. I also feel lots of blame should go to these countries who treat their children as animals... they get so high and mighty about these incidences but often do not see how it is in their own orphanages for these poor children.I have been reading for the past few days some other blogs and even some who have referenced , "Russia is closing all adoptions". I would not be surprised but in reality feel that once again is just a power struggle from the authorities in these countries....
Really how does making an adoptive parent get a psych. exam really protect a child? You can buy these even if you need to from the internet. I have seen it done... but even it is a legitimate psych. exam that means nothing in my opinion. I remember when day cares were not licensed and I remember when they started to have to be... having worked in several right after college ( my degree is in early childhood developement) a daycare having a license means nothing except they know how to play the game... many of them play it well... but if you are really a concerned parent than make sure you show up several times all the time unanounced... because even the menus at some I worked at were diff. than what the kids were actually fed. So as parents don't be relaxed just because day cares have licenses... it means nothing but they know how to play the game... and I worked in some reputable places too.
All the above said just to say that all that is done before the adoption... a home study, medical, psych. exams , background checks are good but nothing can protect a child or a family from the rage they may feel and the isolation they get or the discrimination that goes on because they have a special needs child or a child with needs no one wants to help them deal with....
THERE NEEDS TO BE MORE SUPPORT AFTER THE ADOPTION AND MORE MONEY PROVIDED FOR FAMILIES WITH CHILDREN WITH THESE NEEDS...
I don't have a reasonable or good answer to the problem of the hell holes these orphanages are because how do you change a culture to value a child... we have the same problem here with abortion, fostercare and regular families....but at least here we do have a legal system where if a caregiver throws the child into the crib or hits or slaps,or witholds food or ties the children up, or sedates them they can be prosecuted... I am not sure in Bulgaria, Ukraine,Mexico or even the infamous Russia this would be done....only if they wanted to make a political stand against the USA... I am just not going to bash this single mom or even try to understand what went thru her mind when she put him on a plane back to Russia.
I will pray for her and her family as well as the child. I already pray for the orphans and at least I know that 19 and hopefully more of them will not have to endure the hell they did before they came home to us....
HOW ABOUT YOU? ARE YOU DOING ANYTHING TO HELP THESE CHILDREN?
7 comments:
I agree with you. We have not walked in this mom's shoes and we know that adoption of older children can be rough (obviously you know far more than me). I was sharing this opinion with a close family member and I mentioned how difficult especially that first year with JF had been and how I often had bruises and she was so surprised to learn this. I wonder if we do the adoption community a diservice by not really talking about these things. I don't want to scare people off, but they should go into this with their eyes open.
I think potential adoptive families should get more information about what to expect after the adoption, not just the through-pink-glasses version. They should be given information on the prevailence of RAD, PTSD, disruption, mental illness etc etc and about the help that is or is not available to them. This is something I have recently gotten involved with in my country of residence. There have been quite a few parents whose "What are the chances that it will happen to me?" attitude, and I do worry what will become of their families if they go into the adoption with a rosy outlook.
Many many posts about this whole fiasco have the focus all wrong when they are asking not to close the adoptions "to us". The focus, IMHO is on the children waiting...
My concern is the mothers ability to take her job seriously. your job as the parent is to keep the child safe. safe from himself safe from others. putting him on a plan to Russia ALONE is not safe. not for a minute. he could have veeb gone in a flash. if she was having a hard time she could have placed him in foster care, terminated her rights, called 911, anything. I dont even have a problem that she returned him to Russia, its just the manner in which she did it.
You are very correct. As we speak the adoption community is begging everyone to not speak anything negative about Russia as to further harm future adoptions. People need to know what they are getting into. Some countries do not treat their children decently at all. I was very fortunate my son's country treats their orphans well and the orphanages are well funded. This is not always the case in other countries.
I agree with you. I have been cringing at some of the comments I have seen. I just keep thinking that there is another mother out there at the end of her rope, who will now be afraid to ask for help because of all the backlash from this. It's easy to say "get help" but it's harder to do. Therapy is expensive and takes time to work (time you may not feel you have living with a child threatening to kill you and your other child) Therapy means time off work and if you are a single parent you don't want to risk loosing your job.
Many have mentioned handing the child over to foster care. I have friends with out of control children who looked into this. They were told that they would be charged with abandonment and face jail and fines, and that they would loose any other children in the home and then have to pay child support in huge amounts.
I was not nearly so desperate, and I had a hard time finding therapy for my child. I can't tell you how many therapists turned us down. Either because of his multiple issues or because they had a waiting list. Some would not take my insurance and had prices I simply could not afford. I think that the adoption communitee needs to be more supportive. Yes, she did something desperate that many of us would never consider, but we don't know the whole story yet. We don't know what she tried.
Hi Jeane, I commented on the above thread. But I do so agree with you. The value of a child is so low, the value of family almost non existent... and the definition of what makes a family no where to be seen!
I can not imagine the point this poor woman was at that she felt this was her only option left. I have been praying for her and for her little boy. IF ones ultimate goal is TO HELP THE CHILDREN, then we have to have compassion on this woman as well!
Judgement will not solve anything. Open options will! EVERYONE who failed to help, taking responsibility will! Someone, somewhere KNEW and SAW something, and they walked away...
So while this mother did something very wrong, I wonder just what it takes to get to that point? And who she reached out to that made her feel like there wasn't another option?
Jean well said.
No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Whether it is in an orphanage or in a home.
I am sorry but the way she returned the boy she might as well placed him on the side of the road like a puppy or a newborn baby.
Steps to return this young boy should have been done through the proper correct channels. Being a nurse you think she should have been able to know her options. Apparently she must have not been thinking to clearly or apparently just did not give a hoot.
What I did not understood was why she considering an second child when her plate was full with problems if the first child.
This is the main reason why countries impelment postplacement reports on the child's medical both mental and physical to their country's embassy.
She should have first called her social worker, second the agency that assisted in the adoption, third the Russian Embassy and worse case scenario called the police. The police could have removed the child had him placed in a safe environment until something could be figured out.
To me it seems that this boy was not measuring up to what her expectations of the child she wanted. And if she wanted him return back to Russia at least she should have accompanied him back home during his return flight where she first met him. All in all it is abandonment. It does not matter what way you it is presented. Again I am sorry for the boy and this family. Adoption of a child is not suppose to be like this. I have seen it where families get so wrapped up in the adoption and when it happens they are not pleased with the child.
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